Understanding self-sabotaging behaviour and how to overcome them

Sometimes we self-sabotage just when things seem to be going smoothly. Perhaps this is a way to express our fear about whether it is okay for us to have a better life. We are bound to feel anxious as we leave behind old notions of our unworthiness. The challenge is not to be fearless, but to develop strategies of acknowledging our fears and finding out how we can allay them.” - Maureen Brady 

What is self-sabotaging behaviour?
  • Self-sabotage in when we consciously or passively prevent ourselves from reaching the desired goal. It interferes with our daily lives and affect long standing goals.
  • A few common self-sabotaging behaviours includes procrastination, self-medication, negative self-image, perfectionism and drugs and alcohol.
  • You could define self-sabotage as working against yourself.
Causes of self-sabotaging behaviour 
  • Patterns learned in childhood: The patterns laid down in our early relationships repeat throughout the life. Your childhood experiences play a major role in forming beliefs about self and others. Our critical inner voice is formed from our early experiences. Without realizing it we tend to internalize attitude that were directed towards us.
  • Poor self-worth: When we do not believe in ourselves, we cannot achieve our goals. Poor self-worth comes from various life experiences due to which we form negative belief about ourselves. We feel that we are not good enough or smart enough.
  • Need for control: We want to control every aspect of our lives. By accepting a negative outcome ahead of time, we feel like we are in control even though it is not what we want.
  • Fear of failure: We feel that no matter how much we try we’ll never succeed. We set ourselves for failure. When we get close to achieving a goal, we start doing things that stop us from achieving the goal.
Are you self-sabotaging? Ask yourselves these questions
  • Are you avoiding your goals?
  • Are you not prioritizing your self-care?
  • Are you focusing more on negative thoughts about yourself?
  • Are you engaging in behaviours like procrastination?
  • If the answer to these questions are yes, then you could be engaging in some form of self-sabotage.
How to stop self-sabotaging

Identify the self-sabotaging behaviours: List the behaviours that prevent you from reaching your goals. It’s not always easy to examine your actions. After thorough observation you will notice patterns of behaviour that you engage in that stop you from working towards your desired goals.

Read more about types of self-sabotaging thoughts: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201805/30-types-self-sabotage-and-what-do-about-it

Find what event triggers those behaviours: Are there any specific event or people that set off these behaviours. You can track your triggers through a journal. Become more aware of what could be possible factor in triggering the behaviour. 

Quotes about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (46 quotes)  

Identify the feelings and thoughts related to it: Self-sabotaging behaviour often stem from feelings of anxiety, anger and worthlessness. The feeling that led to your negative behaviour was caused by irrational thoughts. Consider the evidence for those thoughts.

Challenge those thoughts and behaviours: As you become aware of the negative emotions and thoughts leading to behaviour, you can begin to challenge them. Identify what are the facts supporting those thoughts or are those your assumptions. If you looked at the situation from a positive outlook how would it look like.
Take your time to self-reflect, do not hurry through the process. 

Use this worksheet to challenge your negative thoughts: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/challenging-negative-thoughts.pdf 

Read more about tackling thoughts here: https://thiswayup.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Module-3-Thought-challenging.pdf

Develop strategies to change the behaviour: Once you have identified changes you want to make, list down the possible solutions and alternatives for changing such behaviours. Weigh the pros and cons of each alternative and implement the one which is most suitable. 
Plan out your day, break down your goals into smaller achievable tasks. Set realistic goals for yourself. 

You can beat self-sabotage by monitoring and challenging your thoughts, feelings and behaviour but in the process of doing so don't push yourself too hard in finding the solution in one day. Take things one day at a time and work at your own pace. 


Accept failure: If you are afraid of failure, reflect back on your achievements in past. Take a look at all the brilliant things you have already achieved. Remember how you have overcome obstacles in past. Remember that it’s okay to fail. We can’t always be perfect. Accept your limitations and believe in yourself that you will achieve your goals at your own pace. 

Explore your strengths using this worksheet: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/strengths-exploration.pdf

Practice self-care and self-love: Accept yourself as you are, you enough just the way you are. Focus on giving time to yourselves, take time to rejuvenate. Prioritizing yourself will help you to boost your self-confidence and allow you to be better equipped to face you fear and move beyond self-sabotage. 

Read on how to accept and love yourself: https://www.thecyanproject.org/2020/05/dare-to-love-yourself.html

How to practice self-care: https://www.thecyanproject.org/2020/04/understanding-self-care.html

Write self-esteem journal every day to boost your confidence: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/self-esteem-journal.pdf 
Take these 7 steps to practice unconditional self love

Engage in positive self-talk: We fear that our inner critic is right, we hold back ourselves due the fear. The negative internal dialogue can lead to self-doubt and feeling of inadequate. Positive self-talk can have a major influence on the way we see ourselves. People who engage in positive self-talk are able identify the positive traits. Positive self-talk can help you redirect your negative thoughts and help you see new perspective. 
Free Growth Mindset, Social Emotional Learning, CBT Coping ...

Read more about positive self-talk here: https://positivepsychology.com/positive-self-talk/

Stop self-sabotaging behaviour worksheet by Greater Minds: http://cd5vo46ju4834fu142zvmudg.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/Stop-Self-Sabotaging-Behaviors-Worksheet-1.pdf

Self-sabotage behaviours are often deeply ingrained and we may not identify them but once you are able to identify it observe how you maybe holding yourself back. Acknowledging the self-sabotaging behaviour is the first step towards changing them. Remember you are not alone reach out for help when you need it. 

“Stop standing in your own way. Stop making excuses. Stop talking about why you can't. Stop sabotaging yourself. Decide which direction you are going in and take action. One decision at a time, one moment at a time.” - Akiroq Brost

REFERENCES
  • Patel, D. (2018, December 19). 8 Ways to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Success. Retrieved from https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/324900
  • Michele & Yolande. (n.d.). Self-Sabotage: Overcoming Self-Harming Behavior. Retrieved from https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_95.htm
  • Hurst, K. (2019, April 2). [FREE PDF] How To Stop Self-Sabotaging Worksheet. Retrieved from https://www.thelawofattraction.com/stop-self-sabotaging-behaviours/
  • Therapy Worksheets, Tools, and Handouts. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.therapistaid.com/
  • Mead, E. (2020, May 19). What is Positive Self-Talk? (Incl. Examples). Retrieved from https://positivepsychology.com/positive-self-talk/

Sanjina Bose

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