On the Path of Self-Destruction: Why do we Self-Sabotage?

All of us, actively or passively, engage in behaviors or activities that prevent us from achieving our goals. Self-sabotage is any action that gets in the way of your intent. This behavior impacts every aspect of our life, in a more or less, covert manner. 

Have you ever been in a situation where you are on a diet and then you see a tempting chocolate cake? What do you do? Do you stick to your diet or do you take a bite (eventually eating the entire thing)? If you take a bite or eat the entire thing, you are engaging in self-sabotage. Eating the chocolate cake (behavior) prevents you from losing weight (that is, your goal). 

Let’s look at another example. You have to finish your official report. Your deadline is the day after tomorrow and there is a lot of work which needs to be done. You get an invitation to a party. You are aware that if you attend the party, you will miss the deadline. What do you do in such a situation? Do you attend the party or do you let it pass? If you go out for the party, you are engaging in self-sabotage. 

People aren’t always aware that they are self-sabotaging. They often engage in such behavior without thinking of the consequences. So when you are offered a chocolate cake while being on a diet, you may or may not think about the consequences of eating it. This might appear as a small incident, but it will eventually become a habit (that is, cheating on a diet) even before you realize it. Once it becomes a habit, you will no longer be able to achieve your goal (that is, losing weight). 

There are multiple ways we sabotage ourselves. It can be procrastinating, abusing drugs and alcohol, binge eating or overeating, conflicts in relationships, low productivity or absenteeism from work, and so on. These actions are dangerous because we often engage in them subconsciously. But trust me, as the frequency of these actions increases, self-sabotage builds and can result in a “deep well of self-defeat” which is difficult to escape. 

Why do we engage in self-sabotage? What are the reasons that prevent us from achieving our goals? Let’s look at some reasons why people take the path of self-destruction. 

Fear of Failure or Rejection

All of us have experienced failure or rejection in life. It’s part of our life. Some of us also have a very strong fear of failure or rejection. How many of you remember Rachel from Suits? In season 1, she didn’t appear for LSAT because she feared failure. This is an example of self-sabotage due to fear of failure.

If you look at your own life, think of times when you didn’t do a task because you feared to fail at it. Think of the times when you couldn’t ask your crush out for a date because feared rejection. This fear has stopped us from achieving so many things in life. It has stopped us from even trying to do something.

Low Self-Esteem

Another reason why people engage in self-sabotage is because of low self-esteem. People who do not believe in themselves, their skills, and their abilities are more likely to engage in self-sabotage.

In my case, I had extremely low self-esteem in school. I always doubted my abilities and skills. This stopped me from participating in the extra-curricular activities that took place in school.

Low self-esteem may lead you to believe that you are worthless, you don’t deserve success in life. It may also lead to self-criticism and in the worst case, self-hatred. The thoughts and feelings that result from low self-esteem may fuel your fears and self-sabotaging behaviors.

Perfectionism

Some of us have strived for perfectionism throughout our lives. But have you ever thought that your need to be perfect has always led to delays and in some cases jeopardize a golden opportunity. I am sure some of you can recall an incident where you missed a deadline or an opportunity because you wanted everything to be perfect.

Perfectionism often results in dichotomous thinking (also called black and white thinking), that is, “I am perfect” or “I am a failure.” Dichotomous thinking is limiting and dysfunctional because it prevents the individual from actually realizing there are shades of grey in everything. It sets the foundation of a very inflexible mindset and lifestyle, where mistakes are not forgiven or ever excused.

Sense of Control

All of us like control, be it controlling our actions or controlling the consequences of our actions. People engage in self-sabotage because it gives them a sense of control. It feels better to control our failures than to face the uncertainty that may result from our actions.

A lot of people prefer to maintain their status quo and not venture into new territories, be it professionally or personally because it gives them a sense of control. They know what will happen when they maintain the status quo; they are aware of the consequences. On the other hand, exploring and venturing may lead to uncertainty and surprises, which a lot of people don’t like.

Sense of Worthiness

Have you ever started a project with full determination and enthusiasm? You work hard on that project for months and when you start seeing results, you just feel like giving up or you feel demotivated.

A lot of people work hard and aim high in their lives. They work hard to achieve their goals. But when they start achieving rewards for their hard work, the majority of them become laid back and demotivated. This happens because of cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance occurs when we have conflicting beliefs and values. Some people feel worthless in their lives; they feel they are incapable of achieving things in life. So, when such people start succeeding and start achieving rewards for their hard work, their beliefs (“I am worthless”) and their actions (achieving and succeeding) conflict. This results in cognitive dissonance. When this happens, we feel uncomfortable and try to align our actions with our beliefs and values.

There are more reasons and causes of self-sabotage. Think about a recent incident in the past where you couldn’t achieve a goal or couldn’t reach your targets. Reflect on what stopped you from doing so. Was it your need to be perfect or was it your fear of failure? Think about it!